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Firstly, when my husband of almost 45 years smiles at me, it warms my heart. He is kind, generous, and caring; I love him deeply. He is also on the spectrum. Our marriage differs from my friends, and I have struggled to understand our reality. Because I have always struggled with my weight and, as a result, have also struggled with low self-esteem. Whenever anything negative happens, my go-to has been to assume that I either caused it, deserved it, or both. So, as you can see, I also have issues that have complicated my relationship with the one that I love most in the world.
This is a project of love, and it comes with some trepidation. I will have to be vulnerable, but I will also maintain healthy boundaries.I plan to share my research with you because I want to spare others from the loneliness and sadness that can come from being one-half of a neurodiverse couple. That is a bit too lofty! I want to create a place to talk and brainstorm about how to live our best lives while still staying married! Are you with me?
It took me a long- I mean a very long time to figure out that my love was on the spectrum. I met my handsome, quiet guy on a dance field trip planned by his college friends. Fueled by a cocktail or two, I badgered him into talking to me. I was tired of sitting on the sidelines of dating life, and oh, how cute he was. I remember thinking,” You are not going to ignore me!” He finally asked me to dance, and I was in heaven! The next day, I went home and thought of him for a long time, partly because I was proud of myself for not being denied and partly because he was so cute!
Long story short, I ended up in Philadephia for the summer, and it was a whirlwind of everything. He was sweet, vulnerable, and oh-so-attentive. There were Aspie signs, but I overlooked them. I have yet to let him forget his speech on beauty; he told me during a romantic dinner that I was, in fact, “not beautiful,” and he went on to try to explain that the idea of beauty was false and did not exist. I bristled but allowed it. In my mind, I wasn’t beautiful. If I was not beautiful to him, I was not destined to be attractive on anyone’s radar. My low self-esteem was still in high gear.
I am reading the book When Your Man Is on the Spectrum by Dr. Pnina Arad. I told you that I researched! She did her doctoral thesis on neurodiverse couples, and her findings are solid. She reports that autistic men make great boyfriends because they are intelligent, funny, and utterly devoted to the relationship. The obsession aspect of autism is directed toward the object of their desire. In other words, the courtship is lovely with a few hiccups like mine.
My questions to you are (comment ✍🏻)
How did you meet your husband?
What attracted you to him? Was it looks, intellect, or a sense of humor?
Looking back, do you see any signs of the issues you deal with now?